Stress. My Greatest Nemises

     Trying really hard not to stress out. I have a huge problem when it comes to stress. I don't deal with it well at all. I internalize it and let it just eat away at me. I  just don't know how to let go and relax. I get a bit manic sometimes but can usually keep it in check. Lately it hasn't been so easy. I have been super busy this holiday season and wore myself down. I have had so much stress in my life as of late. I have been going on dates with someone which for me is 1- nerve wracking cause I don't get what they see in me 2-something I just don't normally do. Another stresser is I'm changing up roommates. My old roommate moved out and I'm taking over the apartment. So that means I'm putting everything in my name and being all grown up. Getting furniture and all that. My future landlord cant seem to bother coming over so I can sign the lease, twice now I have been given the brush off. I had a roommate set up and that kinda fell through last minute so I had to scramble and find another. I lucked out and did, but it was still a lot of pressure. Its been making me more that a little manic and I'm afraid I may have gone to far with it and hurt a friendship while in this state. I'm hoping they see this and know that, that wasn't the real me they were dealing with and that I'm sorry. None of these things are huge all of them manageable if I wasn't a crazy person.
     Today I got a call that my Mom is in the hospital again for the 3rd time in 2 months. Her heart rate keeps dropping to the mid to low 30s. And is having problems with her kidneys After that I was done. My mom is in the hospital more than some people are in a grocery store. While yes I'm worried I'm not terrified. But it finally got to me today. The stress just exploded in me. Even though friends have warned me about not relaxing and letting stress get to me it did. I was shaking, nauseous  a little dizzy and was hyperventilating. I came home from work to grab some stuff and head over the hospital. I was texting my best friend and telling him what was going on with the stress when I actually just passed out. My body kinda turned itself off for about 45 minutes. I'm fucking lucky I was sitting on my bed. I'm not talking about falling asleep I'm talking I blacked out for 45 minutes. This has never happened to me before, so needless to say I'm terrified. I'm afraid of what could happen if I passed out again at the wrong time. No one would have come looking for me if I fell and hit my head or something.
    I just want to apologize as well to anyone whom I may have rubbed the wrong way and pissed off. I haven't been myself and I am sorry. I will make it up to you with a beer or dinner on me. I have gotta get a grip on this.If anyone has good methods for dealing with stress please let me know. Right now I'm thinking meditation and working out seem like good things. If I can learn to let things go and also get my mind quite enough to relax then that will be a huge help. I don't want to take any kind of medication as I am a big baby and hate taking them.
   

Watch your mouth.

    "Shut your mouth! I'm talking...." Ok stop right there thats the problem. So many of us waste words, breath, time and emotion just talking. We talk all the time but we aren't really saying anything. Or what we do say is nothing of importance. For me, my  own speech downfall is I don't consider my words enough before they spew out of my mouth. Lately I have putting my foot in my mouth in the worst way. I'm a fixer, a tweaker, one who tries to mend. And recently with a few people ( friends and family ) in an attempt to "fix" a problem I have just said the wrong thing constantly and repeatedly. For an example when having a charged conversation with someone I texted the words good bye. I meant ok, talk to you later. They misunderstood this completely  and took it as if I was giving them a shove off. I am an overly emotional person and this can come out in speech to. I have been known to talk a subject to death, when I am emotionally involved. And this leads to annoying headaches, for me and the people I care about. Here are some lessons that I have learned over the last 2-3 weeks of linguistic letdowns.

Steves Rules for Speech

• Think before you open your pie hole. Consider what effect the words you are about to say will have on the person who will hear them. Words have power.
• When angry or otherwise emotionally charged take a step back and breath. Don't be afraid to tell someone " Hey You know what I think we should talk about this later." The things said in the heat of the moment can be the most damaging.
• Consider if you really need to be talking about whatever you are about to say. Do you really need to have a deep discussion with your friend, because they said something ,YOU misconstrued? Is it worth your time and theirs? 
• DON'T TEXT TO MUCH INFO! No! just don't! Trust me. Your friend or even your own mother may not have time to read a text about how you are worried about the way things between you have been different. Text messages are meant to quick little bleeps of information. Things like "Hey Movie Tonight"? Or "dont 4get milk 2%. Are fine and acceptable. For the love of God dont text more than 3 sentences, And don't text about things that should be said face to face. Don't ask your cousin Bill for advice about you divorce over a text. Call or wait to see him in person. When texting just keep it to facts. Because you can't read subtext in a text. It can sound sarcastic or funny or mean. All depends on how the person reading the message interprets it. Also give someone time to respond. Just because you're just chilling at home getting ready to indulge in at least an hour of self abuse doesn't mean the person you're sending a text to has that much time on their hands. Give them time to see it and write back.
• Don't repeat yourself. Do you find yourself having the same conversation over and over again? Why? Is there a lesson you refuse to acknowledge? 

     These are just some rules you should follow when talking. I can not stress the texting rules enough. Just be considerate, take your time, and think before you speak.

Guess who's back?

     No not Slim Shady, Me. I realized I have to change my approach to my blogs if I want them to do what I want them to. Yesterday I had my first training session with a personal trainer. Went very well I think. She was impressed with the fact that I have already lost 70 pounds in the last 3-4 years. As she should be. I dont give myself enough credit for that, hold on whilst I pat myself on the back.....ok there. She specializes in movement and strength training which I need. And she loves to cook, we spent most of the session talking about food. (Yeah I have this effect on a lot of people.) Looking into how to change my diet, I am thinking that this is a factor of self improvement that I have ignored. I am kinda of a low energy personality, not given  to public displays of incredible happiness. I can be a little depressed at times. I think changing my diet can help with this. I dont want to take any medications as I feel that for some people just a change in lifestyle can make a world of change. If anyone has any suggestions, I am interested in hearing them.

Contemplation

     Debating on erasing this blog as I did my other one. I started it in hopes of getting advice from people about getting in better shape. Instead I got mocked for it, and I found it too easy to just complain on it. Although I had a lot of fun writing some of the posts it just didn't go over like I had wanted. Looks like blogger can be added to the list of things I shouldn't do because of little aptitude for it. Seems like that list is getting bigger and bigger. Right now cooking and baking are pretty much the only things I take any pride in my ability to do. And honestly those have taken some hits lately. I can't waste my time doing things that have no worth to myself or anyone else.

Mutare.

-“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”― Barack Obama

-“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ― Leo Tolstoy

-“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

-

change

 

verb,

1.

to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of(something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone.

2.

to transform or convert.-Dictionary.com

     Change. Its the only constant in the universe. Pyramids crumble, people die, a thriving forest can reduced to a ruin of ash by a single lit match. Even the stars that we have set our course by for millennia burn out and leave us staring up in the dark. We sit back and watch all this with a sense of awe and wonder. And try to fight it as best we can. Especially when it comes to changing ourselves. Thats when we fight and resist most. It scares us to think of changing. Even when its change for the better we balk at it. Whether it is something small like changing our hair stylist or something big like giving up cigarettes because of how bad they are for you, for better health, we dig our heels in and say NO!

      I have a few things in my own life that I am scared to change. Some, people know about others only a close few do, while there are other things I keep close and quiet about. For a while now I have been talking about how I want to change, by losing weight and getting in better shape. And for the most part thats what it has been is talk. I have dreaded and found excuses for not going to the gym. Some are valid, I do feel out of place there. I hate the fact that I'm sometimes the biggest guy there, its embarrassing.  While people who are in better shape probably get self conscious about going to the gym, you don't know how bad it can feel for bigger guys.You have this overwhelming, narcissistic feeling that every eye is on you and waiting for you to fail, so that they can laugh at you. This maybe a little crazy but hey, you cant always control how you feel.

     I gained back a whopping 20 of the 70 pounds that I have lost over the last 3 years. This has left me feeling awful about myself. I don't want to go out with friends, so i just kick around the house. I am heaviest guy in the group and feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I just have no motivation to do things that I normally enjoy. For some time now my self confidence which is kinda low anyway has just been so much worse. I have been doubting things about myself that I think I'm pretty good at. Cooking, brewing and other things that I normally have confidence in, I have been feeling kinda gun shy about. I think its all related. Now I know that if I get my ass to the gym and give it my all then I can lose the weight and feel better. And that this will help confidence grow with other things. So whats stopping me? I'm afraid. The person I'm trying to become is a mystery to me. Who I am now I'm comfortable (not in a good way) with. Like a big comfy sweater, I know what to expect, its easy. But I'm not happy with it. So where does that leave me? I can either just continue with being miserable about aspects of myself. Or I can do something about it. 

     I like to think that I have changed for the better over the last few years. But maybe not enough. I sometimes feel like someone on a high dive. I have climbed the stairs up to the diving board, have my toes curled around the edge and am staring down at the water below. I just got to take a breath, let go and jump. I am afraid that if I dont then the only change I will see is how friends walk away. No one wants that friend who is stagnant and miserable. And if I dont change soon, that is who I will be. Miserable, friendless and alone. So now I gotta work and change that.

Ponderings at 4:30 in the morning

     Well I did get some sleep for a change, but with the help of some melatonin. I don't like this as I hate relying on any drug to make me feel better. But I have to admit it did work, even though I find myself awake at 4am. I think that some of the reason for my sleep problem is I have a busy mind. Its always going, believe me its a pain in the ass. Some of my thoughts have been useful though. I finally decided that I'm not doing the Great Pumpkin Run next week. There is no way that I can do it. On reflection I was kind of stupid and arrogant to think I could. Not when I didn't train at all for it. Couple that with the fact that I gained back 15 of the 70 pounds I lost its just not gonna happen. I did a 5K and a 4 mile run but both times I had people more or less holding my hand along the whole time. I didn't do it myself, it was more their victory than mine. I enjoy running but not to the extent you need to, to do these things. You need to be like my buddy Benn and his wife Emma, they live and breath for these kinda things. Wish I had their dedication. I only entered the run as part of a bet, and since the bet is now null and void I dont see a reason to do it. Its not worth making a fool of myself. I did realize that I want to find some sport or activity that I enjoy enough to play though. So now I'm trying to figure out what that is. As for hobbies I have brewing beer although its been a while and Sumi-e or japanese painting, which again I haven't really worked on and cooking. But I want something with a bit of competition to it. I am not giving up on getting fit, thats still the end goal. I'm looking into a personal trainer and trying to learn the right way to exercise. Diet I know is a key factor as well as motivation in getting in shape. I'm working hard on both. I know why I shy away from the gym. Its kind of a vanity thing. I hate going and usually being the biggest guy there, and I don't mean muscle. People who aren't heavy don't understand how hard this is, its embarrasing. I go back to the weight training area and I really feel like I don't belong. These guys and gals know what they are doing and are in much better shape. So I am trying to learn how not to look stupid when I go to do an exercise. Am I over worried about what others think? Yeah no doubt, but it is what it is. Sorry if I let anyone down. I do want to thank those that helped me get as far as I did. Well I gotta go  after putzing around for oh 3 and half hours I got to get ready for work. Laters.

Guyafication#1

    OK so most of you who know me, know Im not what most people would consider one of the guys. Never have been, felt like I didn't fit in. But I have been rethinking that lately. I have felt that I have been missing out on what could actually be a lot fun. They seem to have so much fun. So I have been attempting to be one of the guys, a bro. This is new territory for me as it means getting to like sports. I never understood it. But last week I sat back, put my feet up, cracked open a beer and watched a football game. It was actually a lot of fun.( I wish I had thought to get someone to watch it with but hey thems the brakes.) Once I got into it and let go of my own personal reasons for not liking sports I rather enjoyed myself.
     So I sought the advice of a sports sensei....no that doesn't work, um........sports mentor....no. Let me see Spensei......Spentor. No what do you call a bro who is acting as the Yoda to your Luke......Duh! Broda. So I was asking my Broda about being a sports fan. He suggested that I find a team and become emotionally invested in them. Then follow them and connect with the game that way. Emotionally invested? OK I can do emotional. So I went with my Dad and brothers team The New England Patriots ( My other brother is a Bills fan and even I know how disappointing that can be.) They were just in the game I had watched, I watched them in the Super Bowl last year and had fun so I went with it.

     OK so I have a team, now what. I set about learning the game of football. (By the grace of Gronk there is a For Dummies book for that. I am still studying the book so I wont go into detail and pretend I know about something I don't  But I will say there is more to it than I thought. ) What I have leaned is that being one of the guys is a lot about simple comradery. You sit with some buds, drinks some beers maybe eat some greasy food and yell at the screen. In between plays you chat and bullshit. I can do this, and its kinda fun. Im looking forward to the Super Bowl. Hey maybe I can even cater a Superbowl Party..... Hmmm. I will keep you abreast as to my progress in Guyafication. Wish me luck.....Brah.

Studying? Put down the book dumb ass. Life is not a test,its a game so start playing.

     So I realized after my last post that sometimes you have to stop looking at everything that is "wrong" with you and you gotta just look at whats right. So yeah my motivation has sucked, but instead of sitting and pondering on why that is I just gotta get my ass off the couch and do something. Worrying is like a rocking chair, sure its fun to sit there and rock but it doesn't get you anywhere. I still have my "reasons" for disliking going to the gym. My major one is actually vanity. Not vanity as in looks, I mean come on I have the body of a God ( OK so its a Chinese Buddha but lets not quibble, its still a God like body.) No my vanity is more about not looking stupid. I get very self conscious about looking like a fool in the gym. When I go back to the weights area I am admittedly way out of depth there. I have had a friend explain some of it to me but I still get gun shy there. ( Gun shy get it? Ha Ha. .....as in look at these guns.....never mind. My humor is so under appreciated.) Its a huge self confidence thing for me. I got to ease up on myself, I am pretty much my only critic. Where I see a whole lot of bad aspects about myself others tell me they see mostly great qualities. Also I expect results like yesterday. I gotta work on my ego a bit I guess.And maybe get a little out of my comfort zone. But I guess the general message is I have stop studying what I should do and instead just go do it. Like instead of looking into all kinds of diet advice I know what I have to do. Low fat, low carb, low sugar, whole grain, lean meats and lots of fruits, vegetables and water and watch out for calorie intake. Its actually not that hard, instead of a cookie for a snack have an apple. When reaching for lets say Reese's Pieces, get some grapes or raisins or pop some nuts in your mouth to satisfy your craving. So look for me at the gym more often, if anyone wants some company let me know. I hate working out by myself too, and would welcome the company. I'm really hoping I can get in a spot where I will feel confident about the run in October. I just don't know if I can do it. But I realized that I have to try. If you told me say 2 years ago that I would have run a 5K, and then run a four mile run, I would have laughed at you. But that's because the me I was 2 years ago was ....well kind of a mess. But I feel that with the 70 pounds I have already lost,and as I get in better shape, more and more of that other Steve goes away to. Time to stop looking at everything that is negative and pay closer attention to what is positive.

Where I'm at.

     Been doing a lot of thinking lately and just feeling unsure about a lot of things. What self confidence I have    has taken a nose dive as of late. And I still don't have the motivation to go to the gym and work out. Im not sure why this is. I was doing SO well before summer, but something changed over the last 3 months. I just don't have the drive to do it anymore. I was doing pretty good to. I ran a 5K and then ran 4 miles, and I was so proud. But now I'm seriously thinking about ditching the race in October. There is no way I can run a 10K. Even if I started training now it would be a joke. I got pretty arrogant I guess, I ran the 5k and did well. Then I ran the firecracker 4 and did better. I guess I just assumed I would do well with this one as well but the more I think about it the more I realize how hard it will be. I know that by doing this I may let down people, but I also let myself down. I am a little worried that I may be a bit depressed like a few people suggested. I'm hoping not because I don't want to be that Steve again. Just cant figure out what it is I lost.

Post freak out.

Well  great news Mom, doesn't have cancer. I kinda had a major freak out about it. But that was because well it made me take stock of things. Life is short and you gotta appreciate the good things, the things that matter. I wasted 5 whole amazing days where I could have been doing other things than rotting on the couch moping. I have to get back on track with improving my health, and just enjoying life. Also need to lay off the deep introspective thinking. It just gets me into trouble.

Im kind of a afraid.

I got a lot on my plate right now. And I'm trying my best to deal with it. Right now my Mom is in the hospital waiting to find out if she has stomach cancer. The big C. It scares the hell out of me. Its the one disease that if I get it, I would consider suicide. I'm not being dramatic, I've seen what it can do. It robs you of your loved ones and leaves behind a shell. I watched my Aunt Deb, my hero in many ways go from a fun, strong and vibrant woman to someone who didn't even know me. This is the woman who taught me to ride a bike, first took me fishing and even explained the birds and the bees to me. ( My fathers version, God love him was " Its when your privates touch." That was it.) I could go to her with anything, she was one of the few who took notice of me and made me feel special. In many ways Aunt just doesn't cover it, she was like an older sister or second mom to me and my siblings. Near the end of her battle with cancer I went to see her, I went into her room and said  "Hi Aunt Deb". Her response was "Who are you"? I can honestly say that is the first time my heart ever broke. She didn't know me. The woman who epitomized what cool was to me, who showed me what strength truly was had no idea of who I was. I left the room and hid in a bathroom and cried like a baby. Now there's a chance that my mom has stomach cancer. And just to add fuel to the fire my grandmothers dementia is getting pretty bad. She cant remember who we are. Again someone who means a lot to me cant remember me,and it has dredged up feelings that I thought I had dealt with.
      Now for the last year my mom and I have barely spoken to one another. We had a falling out and were only just starting to get close again. And I'm terrified. Im so scared that she is going to be taken away to. Im not ready for this, I'm not strong enough to go through this again. Im scarred shitless that Im not going to be able to finish mending things with her. I already have more than enough emotional baggage like that with my father. But now facing the very real chance that it can happen again, well I just don't know what to do. I tried talking to friends about it but some are just busy, or say I'm over thinking it and am just making myself miserable or they just don't get it. I cant go to family they have enough on their plate as well. So Ive just been holed up the last few days. I get outta work come home and just sit there. Wishing that I had someone to share this burden with. I just sit here on the couch, and in a way I guess am just miserable. I don't know how not to think about it. Even if I did go out I would still be thinking about it. And since most of my friends are all busy, I don't have anyone to go out with. Not that its their job or that I blame them, thats just how it is .
       I have been through a lot in my life. I appreciate what I have now because of all that crap I had to go through. Growing up we were dirt fricken poor, food stamps, welfare the whole nine yards. And we moved around a lot so friends were just a luxury. If you made them you had to say goodbye. I remember when we lived in Newburgh that our apartment was infested with mice and cockroaches. I remember seeing crack viles and dime bags on the side walk on the way to the bus stop for school. We even lived in a homeless shelter that was part of an insane asylum for awhile. ( Thats right I lived in Arkham ) We ate at soup kitchens and were thankful for it. But the one thing we had through all that was each other. And now it just seems that is being taken away. I just don't have it in me to go through this. Its to hard and frankly just not fucking fair. Please understand that I'm not looking for pity I don't need or deserve it. There are people who really need it, not me. So why share all of this. My mom and grandmother tried their hardest to make it so we never felt like we went without or that we were not as good as other people. Dad, Aunt Deb and Aunt B did to. And I'm just sick of seeing the people I care about slip away. Through all I have experienced I have tried to remain hopeful, compassionate and kind. But now I just feel like whats the point of being tested and enduring so much if their is no reward. So here I sit getting ready to fold laundry heat up some left overs and pray to a God that I gave up believing in, that my mother wont get taken away and that I can some how help my Nani. So yeah I guess I am a bit miserable.

Update

     Wow I havent posted here in quite a long time, over a month. I have been absolutely horrible about going to the gym for oh most of July and August. Most nights I come home from work, make dinner and eat and drink a few beers by myself and just lounge around. My cooking has gotten better but that's about it.
     I can try to come up with a dozen excuses why I have stopped caring, but none of them are good. I can argue that I'm tired and such but its not that. Somewhere along the way I lost what ever was inspiring me to go. Not sure how I can find it again. I even have lost interest in the 10K I signed up for that takes place in October. I felt like a million bucks after my the 4 mile run on the fourth. But something changed, and I cant put my finger on it. I know I'm letting people down but I just don't care in a way.
    Part of the reason I don't go is I feel so out of place, as I try to figure out how to do the weights and such. I'm lost. I looked into personal trainers and they are a little pricey. So I cant do that right now. Hoping its just a funk. I was feeling pretty damn good about myself there for a little bit. And going to the gym was a huge part of that. It helped my self esteem. I could really use that right now.I wanted to things like run a half marathon then a marathon or even do all kinds of outdoors stuff. But now I kind of just dont give a care. Any advice would be much appreciated.

The Running Man

     I finished my first practice run for a 5k training program. And I have to say it wasn't to bad. It was only 26 minutes or so but you gotta start somewhere. I also alternated running a block, then walking a block. I am surprised at how much I enjoy the running. I admit I was looking for almost any excuse not to go. "Oh I have laundry to do, I need to get dinner started." But I made the decision to just go. Popped the meatballs and sauce in the crock pot decided that the laundry could wait till I got back and took off. I'm glad I did. I find that I like the felling while running but its the feeling after that I love. I have this feeling of such accomplishment. I did a little Rocky reaching the top of the steps dance when I finished. Thankfully no one was around for that. Me dancing is something people just don't need to see. Like I said its a start, every one started somewhere right?
    My buddy Benn hooked me up with some advice on shoes, books to read and such for running so I have a bit of research ahead of me. I already started reading one of his suggestions and I actually enjoy it so far. Thankfully running is a relatively cheap hobby. Aside from investing in good shoes that's all you need. Planning on another run tomorrow or Tuesday. I'm planning on Monday being a gym day. I'm want to take a look at my workout schedule and see when its best for what. I will be updating soon. Also coming up is a monthly weigh in on Monday. Little nervous about this. But I gotta keep myself honest, so I'm going to post it on here. I've already lost 70 pounds so I have a lot to be proud of. I know I also have a long road ahead filled with hard work. I'm looking forward to it.

The Cake Runner

     I ran my second race yesterday and I couldn't be prouder. Let me tell you a few things I have learned. First just because your Italian does NOT make you immune to sunburn. In my case I forgot just how much Irish I got in me.Nice burn on my upper arms, thankfully aloe is an amazing healing agent. Secondly chaffed nipples suck. Apparently when running a guys nipples can become chaffed from the constant rubbing against his shirt. Thankfully I didn't get bloody nipples which can occur also. This can also happen to women but they usually wear a sports bra that counteracts the chaffing. And lastly to steal something my friend Rob said about me " I'm a beast". When I finally let go of all the BS in my head and stop telling myself I cant, I'm pretty damn amazing, a machine of relentless forward motion if you will. 
     This run was a bit different than the last one I was in. For one it was a mile longer. Now that's not a whole lot, but for a newbie like me it is. Secondly I had to run in front of THE WHOLE FRIGGING CITY. This was intimidating. I felt like I was climbing the rope in gym class again. My Coworkers who also ran the race were a huge help in making me feel a bit better about the race. Here is a picture of our staff running team. 

     These guys and gal helped me get psyched for a tough run. I admit there were a couple of times I thought of punking out. But I turned that negative voice off, stayed the course and crossed that finish line. It felt amazing. It felt even better when I saw the faces of people whom I knew and were shocked to see me running. Their words of encouragement helped egg me on. And it was a great feeling to see my friend Robs, mom there at the finish line to see me run. She sang the Batman song to me as I went by. And then to have my sister and nieces and nephews there to cheer me on was amazing. My official time was 1 hour 19 seconds, I was happy with this. Then I was talking to my buddy Brad who was also in the race, and he pointed out that they started the count before we crossed the start line. It took us about five minutes to get to start. That means my time was much closer to 55 minutes. When Brad told me this I felt like Peter Pan sprinkled me with some Fairy dust and I found my happy thought. Whats great about that? Well the 5k I ran in May I ran in 51 minutes. A 5K is 3.1 miles. I ran the four mile in 55 minutes. I beat my time for the 5K. That was without any special training or extra workouts. Well there was that one really disheartening practice run but that doesn't count. Im getting somewhere, where I dont know but Im gonna run with it.
    I have gotta give mad props (some day I gotta find out just what props are.) to a lot people. These are the people I call Team Steve. These people help me on a regularly basis, even if they don't know it.I wanna give a shout out to some of Team Steve's top members. My buddy Rob who asked me two all important questions "Hey wanna go to the gym with me" and "Who says you cant run a 5K?" With those two questions he helped set me on the path to getting physically fit. He helps me on a near daily basis trying to get in the best shape I can. I look forward to running that 10K with you and for you. Your an amazing friend and I thank you for it.  My friends Amy and Simone. My running partners for both races. Amy sacrificed her time in the 5K to stay with me through the whole course. Simone did the same for the Firecracker 4. Ladies you inspire me. Thank you for your help and offers to train with me. My baby sister Linette and my brother Marc, thanks guys you stay with me. Scott and Maryanna, you guys have been so amazing to me and help encourage me. You are gracious enough to make me feel like family.It meant the world that you were at the finish line to see me. My friends Bradley and Benn whom are both much, much better runners than I. I can go to these dudes for advice and they are both always willing to offer their time and advice. Thanks guys. I can try to go on and on but there are just so many people I am blessed to have in my life that help me and that have my back. Thank you all, you know who you are.
     Where do I go from here? Well I've been thinking about it. I have a 5K and a 4 mile run under my utility belt, I have a 10K fast approaching. I kinda want to attempt a half marathon and eventually a marathon. This is gonna require a lot of work. What makes me think can do it? The fact that I don't know that I cant. I think I plan to keep going till I cant, then go a little more, then a little more after that. But with this band of amazing and oft times kooky friends and family by my side I will do it.
     I havent won any trophys or prizes with these two runs. Except for a new found pride and feeling of self worth. Here are my runners tags from both runs, they are my badges of honor and pride.    

     For someone who only ran to the fridge these are better than any stupid medal or trophy, for now. If I go on about this, please just bear with me. I have every reason to be proud about this and brag.

Rude awakening.

     So here is something I learned today. I really bit off more than I can chew at the moment. I tried to do a practice run with my buddy Brad at the gym. And I pretty much sucked wind the whole time and we / I didn't run that far. I have to admit this was more than a little disheartening. I'm not worried about the run on the Fourth. Its just a little bit more than a 5K, and I already did one of those. But I'm dreading the 10K I'm doing in October. I have got to kick a training program into gear here. While I have been doing fairly well with dieting I just gotta do better. Taking a suggestion from a friend and I'm going to start planning my menus for the week in advance. Keeping them healthy but still have some fun with them. Also I think I gotta cut the beer for a bit. This will be hard, I appreciate a good beer. But I really got to get going on this, October is not all that far away. I have a promise to keep here and I cant let people down. I think I went into this thinking that it was so much easier than it will be. I guess this is a good wake up call. Just feeling very daunted by what I have to do.

Motivation

OK so here is a question for you guys. What motivates you to go to the gym? I'm having a hard time finding the " workout high". I mean OK I feel pretty damn good after a workout, but no where near what others describe it as. I have had people describe working out as a lot of fun. I do not feel this way. Working out to me is very hard work. I'm literally working my ass off. The way I look at is its very hard work with an incredible payoff. Like when you finish a big job you can stand back and look at your efforts with pride. I have already lost close to 70 pounds in the last 2-3 years, and it was anything but fun. Wondering if maybe I'm not pushing myself hard enough now. If any on can share what inspires them, let me know.

Bucket List Lesson

     I was chatting with a friend yesterday and while talking I had an amazing revelation. We were talking about bucket lists, and what kind of things we put on them. One of the items on mine for instance is to hike a volcano and have a beer with a friend at the top. Doesn't need to be an active volcano at all, just a volcano.My friend looks at me for a second and smirks a little. " You know I don't get the point of a bucket list." He said. "Well its a list of the things you wanna do before you die." I explained. " I know what it is, I mean I don't see why you need one. Instead of just sitting there making a list why not just go do it?" He responded. " OK look you wanna hike a volcano right? " I answered with an affirmative. "Well there are Volcano's no more then like 3 hours away. Lets go to one." You need to stop thinking about this list of things to do and just do them, otherwise you waste your time."  After that we went to a beer festival and had a great time. But I thought about our conversation for a long time. I plan and make lists about so many different things that I'm missing out on them. This can be applied to school, dating so many things I just plan on. And I think that goes along with the getting fit thing as well. I'm wasting time worrying about it I just need to go and do it. So I'm hoping to cross the volcano hike off my list by the beginning of September. Make a 3 day trip out of it and just go with the flow. So thanks for the kick bud I needed it. Time to ditch the list.

I wonder if theres a Batman Unitard in my size?

     So my quest to be more fit has been challenged and pushed. There are now set regulations set up with my bet with my buddy. He still just has to not smoke, so far so good. He is doing well. Me? I have the harder part of the bargain. In addition to doing the 10K in October, I now have a set schedule and workout at the gym. I must go from Monday through Thursday, no exceptions.I am to do Cardio and Strength Training each day. I have Friday and Sunday off, while I just have to do cardio on Saturday. So far so good, I'm sore but in a good way. I keep this up and I can do it.  Any deviation of this is regarded as a violation of our agreement. And I will never hear the end of it. I have been warned that there have been spies and informants put in place to inform Rob if I don't go. Creeper!
      Its not so bad, I gotta admit it gave the kick in the ass I needed. Which is awesome. And its cool that I have friends who care enough about my health and well being that they risk being such huge pains in my ass. But its awesome. I have had so many people offer to help me out. I even had these two guys who come into work that we call the gym guidos offer help. I was in the coffee shop today and they spotted me and demanded to know if I went to the gym yet. Man he does have spies everywhere. My goal for now is to not expire at the 10K. I'm getting better with the eating aspect of my diet. I really need to bump up my water intake though. I also need to be more knowledgeable of how to work out. What exercises work which muscles and how to do them safely. Also got to get better at stretching, thinking some yoga can help that. I'm told soon we move onto supplements and how they help.Well that's all now folks Thanks for reading about my pitfalls with the fitness goals. I think I got the short end of the stick on this one but I'm gonna run with it.
    

Progress Report 1.

Still feeling pretty awesome about the fact that I did a 5k. It was about 2 weeks ago I know, but still its a point of pride. Now only moments after I did my run I made a very blindly made a promise. I promised my best friend that if he stopped smoking I would run a marathon. If there is a way I can help the people I care about I will do it. Especially if it will help them stop smoking. I lost my Dad to cigarettes, and would really rather not see anyone else important to me go that route. My buddy  turned to me, smirked and said OK, your on.........WHAT? So now he quit, 6-7 days smoke free (Woot, props to him) and I have to keep my end of the deal. I did manage to scale it down to a 10k, but still that is a lot from someone who didn't even break the top 500 in the run I just did. So now I plan on using this as inspiration to help motivate me to get in better shape.
     I finally made my way to the gym yesterday after not going for awhile. One problem I have with the gym is, well its always so much easier to do the cardio part of your workout. Its not as intimidating as the strength training. I look back there and it looks like that's where all the popular kids hangout, I find myself feeling like the heavy kid who wants to sit in the back of the bus with all the cool kids all over again. I of course realize, just how stupid this is and that it is just an excuse but there you have it. I have to get over this stupid misconception and just do it. I think I did well though. I did 45 minutes of cardio, some weight lifting and then cardio again. I'm trying to get used to running and tried the treadmills for a change. Its a little different then the elliptical and stair climbers I normally use. But I think I wont have a problem with it. I did get a bit of a morale boost when someone mentioned I had lost a noticeable amount of weight when I was exercising with him, so that's awesome.
     I also did my research on the Dash Diet I wanted to use and am amazed at how simple it is. This diet is essentially a diet to lower cholesterol and blood pressure. But from the studies I have read its good for weight loss as well. The tenants are amazingly simple as well. Watch portions, stay under your calorie intake range and eat healthy foods. Its not rocket science, choose low fat dairy, whole grains, lean proteins, and fruits and veggies.And DRINK LOTS OF WATER. This is my Achilles heel. I have never been a big water drinker.  That's about it. If I couple that with a decent exercise regime, I'm hoping the pounds just melt off. Well that's all for now, again if anyone has suggestions on motivation or even exercises for a newbie, I'm all ears. Laters.
    

Oh Hai there.

     Steven James Belsito of Saratoga Springs passed away this week due to heart complications at the age of 35. He is survived by his Mother, several Brothers and Sisters as well as numerous Nieces and Nephews. A long time Saratoga resident Mr Belsito graduated from Saratoga Springs High School. Mr Belsito was a sufferer of diabetes and had high blood pressure.  His hobbies were watching TV, reading and cooking and eating with family and friends. While he always dreamed of traveling the world, Mr Belsitos health kept him from doing so. In lue of flowers the Belsito family asks that donations be made to the American Heart Association.

     This is what I had assumed my future would be when I was about 25. I was all to well aware of the fact that I was morbidly obese, and ran the risk of several health problems that being overweight only made worse. Diabetes runs in my family as do heart problems, so being as heavy as I was only made it worse. I was oddly content with this future. Until I made the decision a couple of years ago that life was worth living, and living it well, meant I had to get in better shape. I have some big guns in my arsenal in this war against myself. I have the best friends anyone can ask for. They urge me to do things that I don't think I can. I'm not sure what it is they see, but they help me see this version of myself that I never knew existed. Now I'm not doing this for them, honestly its all about me but they are an invaluable help. Some have helped by just taking walks late at night after work, others have helped by giving me a self esteem boost when needed. One or two others bullied me into getting a gym membership, or trying to run a 5k. I'm an extraordinarily lucky SOB to have these people in my life. And I thank them all. With out their help I wouldn't have lost the close to 70 pounds I have already lost.

    So now what do I do about the weight I have left? I still have a lot to lose and I have to step up my game. I have been trying to find the determination it takes to go the gym every day. Its so hard but I can do this. I'm doing a mix of weight lifting and cardio, while changing to a sensible diet. I don't want to be a muscle head, I just wanna be able to go the beach and not be embarrassed to take my shirt off. I mean come on I have a bitching Batman tattoo to show off. Its not fair to the world that they miss out on that. I looked at different diet plans and after some research I think I'm going to try the Dash diet plan. This diet started as a heart healthy diet and has garnered much acclaim as the best diet out there right now. It has been rated as the # 1 Diet for the last 2 years. There are a lot of other diet plans that advocate cutting out certain food groups while over doing it on others. I have never thought very much of these types of diets. A well balanced has always made so much more sense. Here is a link for an interesting article in US news that talked about the best diets around. http://health.usnews.com/best-diet/best-overall-diets. I found this rather informative and it helped me. As for or working out I'm just trying to get to the point where I don't feel like a moron when I go the weight lifting area. While no one has ever said anything to me while back there, I feel like I'm being judged. I am fully aware that this is just me being awkward and judgmental but it is a bit intimidating to go back there.

     Whats the end goal, what is it I want to achieve by the end of this? I want to be healthy and have a much better sense of self esteem. I wanna be able to play sports with friends and not be a hindrance. I want to live to see my nieces and nephews grow up and be healthy and fit enough to spend time with them. The big pay off though, what really has me trying to do this is what I plan on rewarding myself with when ( not if ) I lose all the weight. I plan on taking a trip across the county. On this trip I want to do things that being a huskier guy I haven't been able to do. I wanna go kayaking, sand dune surfing, hike a volcano, all kinds of out door adventures that being a fatty has hindered me from doing. My plan is to get a couple of friends to make this trip with me and just camp across the nation. All the while having fun and experiencing life.

     I plan on using this blog to keep an account of how I do. The ups and downs, the whole damn thing. This way I'm held accountable in a sense to others. This way also I can receive advice and tips from people who may be able to help. So any suggestions you have will be greatly appreciated.