I got a lot on my plate right now. And I'm trying my best to deal with it. Right now my Mom is in the hospital waiting to find out if she has stomach cancer. The big C. It scares the hell out of me. Its the one disease that if I get it, I would consider suicide. I'm not being dramatic, I've seen what it can do. It robs you of your loved ones and leaves behind a shell. I watched my Aunt Deb, my hero in many ways go from a fun, strong and vibrant woman to someone who didn't even know me. This is the woman who taught me to ride a bike, first took me fishing and even explained the birds and the bees to me. ( My fathers version, God love him was " Its when your privates touch." That was it.) I could go to her with anything, she was one of the few who took notice of me and made me feel special. In many ways Aunt just doesn't cover it, she was like an older sister or second mom to me and my siblings. Near the end of her battle with cancer I went to see her, I went into her room and said "Hi Aunt Deb". Her response was "Who are you"? I can honestly say that is the first time my heart ever broke. She didn't know me. The woman who epitomized what cool was to me, who showed me what strength truly was had no idea of who I was. I left the room and hid in a bathroom and cried like a baby. Now there's a chance that my mom has stomach cancer. And just to add fuel to the fire my grandmothers dementia is getting pretty bad. She cant remember who we are. Again someone who means a lot to me cant remember me,and it has dredged up feelings that I thought I had dealt with.
Now for the last year my mom and I have barely spoken to one another. We had a falling out and were only just starting to get close again. And I'm terrified. Im so scared that she is going to be taken away to. Im not ready for this, I'm not strong enough to go through this again. Im scarred shitless that Im not going to be able to finish mending things with her. I already have more than enough emotional baggage like that with my father. But now facing the very real chance that it can happen again, well I just don't know what to do. I tried talking to friends about it but some are just busy, or say I'm over thinking it and am just making myself miserable or they just don't get it. I cant go to family they have enough on their plate as well. So Ive just been holed up the last few days. I get outta work come home and just sit there. Wishing that I had someone to share this burden with. I just sit here on the couch, and in a way I guess am just miserable. I don't know how not to think about it. Even if I did go out I would still be thinking about it. And since most of my friends are all busy, I don't have anyone to go out with. Not that its their job or that I blame them, thats just how it is .
I have been through a lot in my life. I appreciate what I have now because of all that crap I had to go through. Growing up we were dirt fricken poor, food stamps, welfare the whole nine yards. And we moved around a lot so friends were just a luxury. If you made them you had to say goodbye. I remember when we lived in Newburgh that our apartment was infested with mice and cockroaches. I remember seeing crack viles and dime bags on the side walk on the way to the bus stop for school. We even lived in a homeless shelter that was part of an insane asylum for awhile. ( Thats right I lived in Arkham ) We ate at soup kitchens and were thankful for it. But the one thing we had through all that was each other. And now it just seems that is being taken away. I just don't have it in me to go through this. Its to hard and frankly just not fucking fair. Please understand that I'm not looking for pity I don't need or deserve it. There are people who really need it, not me. So why share all of this. My mom and grandmother tried their hardest to make it so we never felt like we went without or that we were not as good as other people. Dad, Aunt Deb and Aunt B did to. And I'm just sick of seeing the people I care about slip away. Through all I have experienced I have tried to remain hopeful, compassionate and kind. But now I just feel like whats the point of being tested and enduring so much if their is no reward. So here I sit getting ready to fold laundry heat up some left overs and pray to a God that I gave up believing in, that my mother wont get taken away and that I can some how help my Nani. So yeah I guess I am a bit miserable.
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