Ponderings at 4:30 in the morning

     Well I did get some sleep for a change, but with the help of some melatonin. I don't like this as I hate relying on any drug to make me feel better. But I have to admit it did work, even though I find myself awake at 4am. I think that some of the reason for my sleep problem is I have a busy mind. Its always going, believe me its a pain in the ass. Some of my thoughts have been useful though. I finally decided that I'm not doing the Great Pumpkin Run next week. There is no way that I can do it. On reflection I was kind of stupid and arrogant to think I could. Not when I didn't train at all for it. Couple that with the fact that I gained back 15 of the 70 pounds I lost its just not gonna happen. I did a 5K and a 4 mile run but both times I had people more or less holding my hand along the whole time. I didn't do it myself, it was more their victory than mine. I enjoy running but not to the extent you need to, to do these things. You need to be like my buddy Benn and his wife Emma, they live and breath for these kinda things. Wish I had their dedication. I only entered the run as part of a bet, and since the bet is now null and void I dont see a reason to do it. Its not worth making a fool of myself. I did realize that I want to find some sport or activity that I enjoy enough to play though. So now I'm trying to figure out what that is. As for hobbies I have brewing beer although its been a while and Sumi-e or japanese painting, which again I haven't really worked on and cooking. But I want something with a bit of competition to it. I am not giving up on getting fit, thats still the end goal. I'm looking into a personal trainer and trying to learn the right way to exercise. Diet I know is a key factor as well as motivation in getting in shape. I'm working hard on both. I know why I shy away from the gym. Its kind of a vanity thing. I hate going and usually being the biggest guy there, and I don't mean muscle. People who aren't heavy don't understand how hard this is, its embarrasing. I go back to the weight training area and I really feel like I don't belong. These guys and gals know what they are doing and are in much better shape. So I am trying to learn how not to look stupid when I go to do an exercise. Am I over worried about what others think? Yeah no doubt, but it is what it is. Sorry if I let anyone down. I do want to thank those that helped me get as far as I did. Well I gotta go  after putzing around for oh 3 and half hours I got to get ready for work. Laters.