Mutare.

-“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”― Barack Obama

-“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ― Leo Tolstoy

-“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

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change

 

verb,

1.

to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of(something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone.

2.

to transform or convert.-Dictionary.com

     Change. Its the only constant in the universe. Pyramids crumble, people die, a thriving forest can reduced to a ruin of ash by a single lit match. Even the stars that we have set our course by for millennia burn out and leave us staring up in the dark. We sit back and watch all this with a sense of awe and wonder. And try to fight it as best we can. Especially when it comes to changing ourselves. Thats when we fight and resist most. It scares us to think of changing. Even when its change for the better we balk at it. Whether it is something small like changing our hair stylist or something big like giving up cigarettes because of how bad they are for you, for better health, we dig our heels in and say NO!

      I have a few things in my own life that I am scared to change. Some, people know about others only a close few do, while there are other things I keep close and quiet about. For a while now I have been talking about how I want to change, by losing weight and getting in better shape. And for the most part thats what it has been is talk. I have dreaded and found excuses for not going to the gym. Some are valid, I do feel out of place there. I hate the fact that I'm sometimes the biggest guy there, its embarrassing.  While people who are in better shape probably get self conscious about going to the gym, you don't know how bad it can feel for bigger guys.You have this overwhelming, narcissistic feeling that every eye is on you and waiting for you to fail, so that they can laugh at you. This maybe a little crazy but hey, you cant always control how you feel.

     I gained back a whopping 20 of the 70 pounds that I have lost over the last 3 years. This has left me feeling awful about myself. I don't want to go out with friends, so i just kick around the house. I am heaviest guy in the group and feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I just have no motivation to do things that I normally enjoy. For some time now my self confidence which is kinda low anyway has just been so much worse. I have been doubting things about myself that I think I'm pretty good at. Cooking, brewing and other things that I normally have confidence in, I have been feeling kinda gun shy about. I think its all related. Now I know that if I get my ass to the gym and give it my all then I can lose the weight and feel better. And that this will help confidence grow with other things. So whats stopping me? I'm afraid. The person I'm trying to become is a mystery to me. Who I am now I'm comfortable (not in a good way) with. Like a big comfy sweater, I know what to expect, its easy. But I'm not happy with it. So where does that leave me? I can either just continue with being miserable about aspects of myself. Or I can do something about it. 

     I like to think that I have changed for the better over the last few years. But maybe not enough. I sometimes feel like someone on a high dive. I have climbed the stairs up to the diving board, have my toes curled around the edge and am staring down at the water below. I just got to take a breath, let go and jump. I am afraid that if I dont then the only change I will see is how friends walk away. No one wants that friend who is stagnant and miserable. And if I dont change soon, that is who I will be. Miserable, friendless and alone. So now I gotta work and change that.