Stress. My Greatest Nemises

     Trying really hard not to stress out. I have a huge problem when it comes to stress. I don't deal with it well at all. I internalize it and let it just eat away at me. I  just don't know how to let go and relax. I get a bit manic sometimes but can usually keep it in check. Lately it hasn't been so easy. I have been super busy this holiday season and wore myself down. I have had so much stress in my life as of late. I have been going on dates with someone which for me is 1- nerve wracking cause I don't get what they see in me 2-something I just don't normally do. Another stresser is I'm changing up roommates. My old roommate moved out and I'm taking over the apartment. So that means I'm putting everything in my name and being all grown up. Getting furniture and all that. My future landlord cant seem to bother coming over so I can sign the lease, twice now I have been given the brush off. I had a roommate set up and that kinda fell through last minute so I had to scramble and find another. I lucked out and did, but it was still a lot of pressure. Its been making me more that a little manic and I'm afraid I may have gone to far with it and hurt a friendship while in this state. I'm hoping they see this and know that, that wasn't the real me they were dealing with and that I'm sorry. None of these things are huge all of them manageable if I wasn't a crazy person.
     Today I got a call that my Mom is in the hospital again for the 3rd time in 2 months. Her heart rate keeps dropping to the mid to low 30s. And is having problems with her kidneys After that I was done. My mom is in the hospital more than some people are in a grocery store. While yes I'm worried I'm not terrified. But it finally got to me today. The stress just exploded in me. Even though friends have warned me about not relaxing and letting stress get to me it did. I was shaking, nauseous  a little dizzy and was hyperventilating. I came home from work to grab some stuff and head over the hospital. I was texting my best friend and telling him what was going on with the stress when I actually just passed out. My body kinda turned itself off for about 45 minutes. I'm fucking lucky I was sitting on my bed. I'm not talking about falling asleep I'm talking I blacked out for 45 minutes. This has never happened to me before, so needless to say I'm terrified. I'm afraid of what could happen if I passed out again at the wrong time. No one would have come looking for me if I fell and hit my head or something.
    I just want to apologize as well to anyone whom I may have rubbed the wrong way and pissed off. I haven't been myself and I am sorry. I will make it up to you with a beer or dinner on me. I have gotta get a grip on this.If anyone has good methods for dealing with stress please let me know. Right now I'm thinking meditation and working out seem like good things. If I can learn to let things go and also get my mind quite enough to relax then that will be a huge help. I don't want to take any kind of medication as I am a big baby and hate taking them.
   

Watch your mouth.

    "Shut your mouth! I'm talking...." Ok stop right there thats the problem. So many of us waste words, breath, time and emotion just talking. We talk all the time but we aren't really saying anything. Or what we do say is nothing of importance. For me, my  own speech downfall is I don't consider my words enough before they spew out of my mouth. Lately I have putting my foot in my mouth in the worst way. I'm a fixer, a tweaker, one who tries to mend. And recently with a few people ( friends and family ) in an attempt to "fix" a problem I have just said the wrong thing constantly and repeatedly. For an example when having a charged conversation with someone I texted the words good bye. I meant ok, talk to you later. They misunderstood this completely  and took it as if I was giving them a shove off. I am an overly emotional person and this can come out in speech to. I have been known to talk a subject to death, when I am emotionally involved. And this leads to annoying headaches, for me and the people I care about. Here are some lessons that I have learned over the last 2-3 weeks of linguistic letdowns.

Steves Rules for Speech

• Think before you open your pie hole. Consider what effect the words you are about to say will have on the person who will hear them. Words have power.
• When angry or otherwise emotionally charged take a step back and breath. Don't be afraid to tell someone " Hey You know what I think we should talk about this later." The things said in the heat of the moment can be the most damaging.
• Consider if you really need to be talking about whatever you are about to say. Do you really need to have a deep discussion with your friend, because they said something ,YOU misconstrued? Is it worth your time and theirs? 
• DON'T TEXT TO MUCH INFO! No! just don't! Trust me. Your friend or even your own mother may not have time to read a text about how you are worried about the way things between you have been different. Text messages are meant to quick little bleeps of information. Things like "Hey Movie Tonight"? Or "dont 4get milk 2%. Are fine and acceptable. For the love of God dont text more than 3 sentences, And don't text about things that should be said face to face. Don't ask your cousin Bill for advice about you divorce over a text. Call or wait to see him in person. When texting just keep it to facts. Because you can't read subtext in a text. It can sound sarcastic or funny or mean. All depends on how the person reading the message interprets it. Also give someone time to respond. Just because you're just chilling at home getting ready to indulge in at least an hour of self abuse doesn't mean the person you're sending a text to has that much time on their hands. Give them time to see it and write back.
• Don't repeat yourself. Do you find yourself having the same conversation over and over again? Why? Is there a lesson you refuse to acknowledge? 

     These are just some rules you should follow when talking. I can not stress the texting rules enough. Just be considerate, take your time, and think before you speak.

Guess who's back?

     No not Slim Shady, Me. I realized I have to change my approach to my blogs if I want them to do what I want them to. Yesterday I had my first training session with a personal trainer. Went very well I think. She was impressed with the fact that I have already lost 70 pounds in the last 3-4 years. As she should be. I dont give myself enough credit for that, hold on whilst I pat myself on the back.....ok there. She specializes in movement and strength training which I need. And she loves to cook, we spent most of the session talking about food. (Yeah I have this effect on a lot of people.) Looking into how to change my diet, I am thinking that this is a factor of self improvement that I have ignored. I am kinda of a low energy personality, not given  to public displays of incredible happiness. I can be a little depressed at times. I think changing my diet can help with this. I dont want to take any medications as I feel that for some people just a change in lifestyle can make a world of change. If anyone has any suggestions, I am interested in hearing them.

Contemplation

     Debating on erasing this blog as I did my other one. I started it in hopes of getting advice from people about getting in better shape. Instead I got mocked for it, and I found it too easy to just complain on it. Although I had a lot of fun writing some of the posts it just didn't go over like I had wanted. Looks like blogger can be added to the list of things I shouldn't do because of little aptitude for it. Seems like that list is getting bigger and bigger. Right now cooking and baking are pretty much the only things I take any pride in my ability to do. And honestly those have taken some hits lately. I can't waste my time doing things that have no worth to myself or anyone else.

Mutare.

-“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”― Barack Obama

-“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ― Leo Tolstoy

-“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

-

change

 

verb,

1.

to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of(something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone.

2.

to transform or convert.-Dictionary.com

     Change. Its the only constant in the universe. Pyramids crumble, people die, a thriving forest can reduced to a ruin of ash by a single lit match. Even the stars that we have set our course by for millennia burn out and leave us staring up in the dark. We sit back and watch all this with a sense of awe and wonder. And try to fight it as best we can. Especially when it comes to changing ourselves. Thats when we fight and resist most. It scares us to think of changing. Even when its change for the better we balk at it. Whether it is something small like changing our hair stylist or something big like giving up cigarettes because of how bad they are for you, for better health, we dig our heels in and say NO!

      I have a few things in my own life that I am scared to change. Some, people know about others only a close few do, while there are other things I keep close and quiet about. For a while now I have been talking about how I want to change, by losing weight and getting in better shape. And for the most part thats what it has been is talk. I have dreaded and found excuses for not going to the gym. Some are valid, I do feel out of place there. I hate the fact that I'm sometimes the biggest guy there, its embarrassing.  While people who are in better shape probably get self conscious about going to the gym, you don't know how bad it can feel for bigger guys.You have this overwhelming, narcissistic feeling that every eye is on you and waiting for you to fail, so that they can laugh at you. This maybe a little crazy but hey, you cant always control how you feel.

     I gained back a whopping 20 of the 70 pounds that I have lost over the last 3 years. This has left me feeling awful about myself. I don't want to go out with friends, so i just kick around the house. I am heaviest guy in the group and feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I just have no motivation to do things that I normally enjoy. For some time now my self confidence which is kinda low anyway has just been so much worse. I have been doubting things about myself that I think I'm pretty good at. Cooking, brewing and other things that I normally have confidence in, I have been feeling kinda gun shy about. I think its all related. Now I know that if I get my ass to the gym and give it my all then I can lose the weight and feel better. And that this will help confidence grow with other things. So whats stopping me? I'm afraid. The person I'm trying to become is a mystery to me. Who I am now I'm comfortable (not in a good way) with. Like a big comfy sweater, I know what to expect, its easy. But I'm not happy with it. So where does that leave me? I can either just continue with being miserable about aspects of myself. Or I can do something about it. 

     I like to think that I have changed for the better over the last few years. But maybe not enough. I sometimes feel like someone on a high dive. I have climbed the stairs up to the diving board, have my toes curled around the edge and am staring down at the water below. I just got to take a breath, let go and jump. I am afraid that if I dont then the only change I will see is how friends walk away. No one wants that friend who is stagnant and miserable. And if I dont change soon, that is who I will be. Miserable, friendless and alone. So now I gotta work and change that.

Ponderings at 4:30 in the morning

     Well I did get some sleep for a change, but with the help of some melatonin. I don't like this as I hate relying on any drug to make me feel better. But I have to admit it did work, even though I find myself awake at 4am. I think that some of the reason for my sleep problem is I have a busy mind. Its always going, believe me its a pain in the ass. Some of my thoughts have been useful though. I finally decided that I'm not doing the Great Pumpkin Run next week. There is no way that I can do it. On reflection I was kind of stupid and arrogant to think I could. Not when I didn't train at all for it. Couple that with the fact that I gained back 15 of the 70 pounds I lost its just not gonna happen. I did a 5K and a 4 mile run but both times I had people more or less holding my hand along the whole time. I didn't do it myself, it was more their victory than mine. I enjoy running but not to the extent you need to, to do these things. You need to be like my buddy Benn and his wife Emma, they live and breath for these kinda things. Wish I had their dedication. I only entered the run as part of a bet, and since the bet is now null and void I dont see a reason to do it. Its not worth making a fool of myself. I did realize that I want to find some sport or activity that I enjoy enough to play though. So now I'm trying to figure out what that is. As for hobbies I have brewing beer although its been a while and Sumi-e or japanese painting, which again I haven't really worked on and cooking. But I want something with a bit of competition to it. I am not giving up on getting fit, thats still the end goal. I'm looking into a personal trainer and trying to learn the right way to exercise. Diet I know is a key factor as well as motivation in getting in shape. I'm working hard on both. I know why I shy away from the gym. Its kind of a vanity thing. I hate going and usually being the biggest guy there, and I don't mean muscle. People who aren't heavy don't understand how hard this is, its embarrasing. I go back to the weight training area and I really feel like I don't belong. These guys and gals know what they are doing and are in much better shape. So I am trying to learn how not to look stupid when I go to do an exercise. Am I over worried about what others think? Yeah no doubt, but it is what it is. Sorry if I let anyone down. I do want to thank those that helped me get as far as I did. Well I gotta go  after putzing around for oh 3 and half hours I got to get ready for work. Laters.

Guyafication#1

    OK so most of you who know me, know Im not what most people would consider one of the guys. Never have been, felt like I didn't fit in. But I have been rethinking that lately. I have felt that I have been missing out on what could actually be a lot fun. They seem to have so much fun. So I have been attempting to be one of the guys, a bro. This is new territory for me as it means getting to like sports. I never understood it. But last week I sat back, put my feet up, cracked open a beer and watched a football game. It was actually a lot of fun.( I wish I had thought to get someone to watch it with but hey thems the brakes.) Once I got into it and let go of my own personal reasons for not liking sports I rather enjoyed myself.
     So I sought the advice of a sports sensei....no that doesn't work, um........sports mentor....no. Let me see Spensei......Spentor. No what do you call a bro who is acting as the Yoda to your Luke......Duh! Broda. So I was asking my Broda about being a sports fan. He suggested that I find a team and become emotionally invested in them. Then follow them and connect with the game that way. Emotionally invested? OK I can do emotional. So I went with my Dad and brothers team The New England Patriots ( My other brother is a Bills fan and even I know how disappointing that can be.) They were just in the game I had watched, I watched them in the Super Bowl last year and had fun so I went with it.

     OK so I have a team, now what. I set about learning the game of football. (By the grace of Gronk there is a For Dummies book for that. I am still studying the book so I wont go into detail and pretend I know about something I don't  But I will say there is more to it than I thought. ) What I have leaned is that being one of the guys is a lot about simple comradery. You sit with some buds, drinks some beers maybe eat some greasy food and yell at the screen. In between plays you chat and bullshit. I can do this, and its kinda fun. Im looking forward to the Super Bowl. Hey maybe I can even cater a Superbowl Party..... Hmmm. I will keep you abreast as to my progress in Guyafication. Wish me luck.....Brah.