Guyafication#1

    OK so most of you who know me, know Im not what most people would consider one of the guys. Never have been, felt like I didn't fit in. But I have been rethinking that lately. I have felt that I have been missing out on what could actually be a lot fun. They seem to have so much fun. So I have been attempting to be one of the guys, a bro. This is new territory for me as it means getting to like sports. I never understood it. But last week I sat back, put my feet up, cracked open a beer and watched a football game. It was actually a lot of fun.( I wish I had thought to get someone to watch it with but hey thems the brakes.) Once I got into it and let go of my own personal reasons for not liking sports I rather enjoyed myself.
     So I sought the advice of a sports sensei....no that doesn't work, um........sports mentor....no. Let me see Spensei......Spentor. No what do you call a bro who is acting as the Yoda to your Luke......Duh! Broda. So I was asking my Broda about being a sports fan. He suggested that I find a team and become emotionally invested in them. Then follow them and connect with the game that way. Emotionally invested? OK I can do emotional. So I went with my Dad and brothers team The New England Patriots ( My other brother is a Bills fan and even I know how disappointing that can be.) They were just in the game I had watched, I watched them in the Super Bowl last year and had fun so I went with it.

     OK so I have a team, now what. I set about learning the game of football. (By the grace of Gronk there is a For Dummies book for that. I am still studying the book so I wont go into detail and pretend I know about something I don't  But I will say there is more to it than I thought. ) What I have leaned is that being one of the guys is a lot about simple comradery. You sit with some buds, drinks some beers maybe eat some greasy food and yell at the screen. In between plays you chat and bullshit. I can do this, and its kinda fun. Im looking forward to the Super Bowl. Hey maybe I can even cater a Superbowl Party..... Hmmm. I will keep you abreast as to my progress in Guyafication. Wish me luck.....Brah.

Studying? Put down the book dumb ass. Life is not a test,its a game so start playing.

     So I realized after my last post that sometimes you have to stop looking at everything that is "wrong" with you and you gotta just look at whats right. So yeah my motivation has sucked, but instead of sitting and pondering on why that is I just gotta get my ass off the couch and do something. Worrying is like a rocking chair, sure its fun to sit there and rock but it doesn't get you anywhere. I still have my "reasons" for disliking going to the gym. My major one is actually vanity. Not vanity as in looks, I mean come on I have the body of a God ( OK so its a Chinese Buddha but lets not quibble, its still a God like body.) No my vanity is more about not looking stupid. I get very self conscious about looking like a fool in the gym. When I go back to the weights area I am admittedly way out of depth there. I have had a friend explain some of it to me but I still get gun shy there. ( Gun shy get it? Ha Ha. .....as in look at these guns.....never mind. My humor is so under appreciated.) Its a huge self confidence thing for me. I got to ease up on myself, I am pretty much my only critic. Where I see a whole lot of bad aspects about myself others tell me they see mostly great qualities. Also I expect results like yesterday. I gotta work on my ego a bit I guess.And maybe get a little out of my comfort zone. But I guess the general message is I have stop studying what I should do and instead just go do it. Like instead of looking into all kinds of diet advice I know what I have to do. Low fat, low carb, low sugar, whole grain, lean meats and lots of fruits, vegetables and water and watch out for calorie intake. Its actually not that hard, instead of a cookie for a snack have an apple. When reaching for lets say Reese's Pieces, get some grapes or raisins or pop some nuts in your mouth to satisfy your craving. So look for me at the gym more often, if anyone wants some company let me know. I hate working out by myself too, and would welcome the company. I'm really hoping I can get in a spot where I will feel confident about the run in October. I just don't know if I can do it. But I realized that I have to try. If you told me say 2 years ago that I would have run a 5K, and then run a four mile run, I would have laughed at you. But that's because the me I was 2 years ago was ....well kind of a mess. But I feel that with the 70 pounds I have already lost,and as I get in better shape, more and more of that other Steve goes away to. Time to stop looking at everything that is negative and pay closer attention to what is positive.

Where I'm at.

     Been doing a lot of thinking lately and just feeling unsure about a lot of things. What self confidence I have    has taken a nose dive as of late. And I still don't have the motivation to go to the gym and work out. Im not sure why this is. I was doing SO well before summer, but something changed over the last 3 months. I just don't have the drive to do it anymore. I was doing pretty good to. I ran a 5K and then ran 4 miles, and I was so proud. But now I'm seriously thinking about ditching the race in October. There is no way I can run a 10K. Even if I started training now it would be a joke. I got pretty arrogant I guess, I ran the 5k and did well. Then I ran the firecracker 4 and did better. I guess I just assumed I would do well with this one as well but the more I think about it the more I realize how hard it will be. I know that by doing this I may let down people, but I also let myself down. I am a little worried that I may be a bit depressed like a few people suggested. I'm hoping not because I don't want to be that Steve again. Just cant figure out what it is I lost.

Post freak out.

Well  great news Mom, doesn't have cancer. I kinda had a major freak out about it. But that was because well it made me take stock of things. Life is short and you gotta appreciate the good things, the things that matter. I wasted 5 whole amazing days where I could have been doing other things than rotting on the couch moping. I have to get back on track with improving my health, and just enjoying life. Also need to lay off the deep introspective thinking. It just gets me into trouble.

Im kind of a afraid.

I got a lot on my plate right now. And I'm trying my best to deal with it. Right now my Mom is in the hospital waiting to find out if she has stomach cancer. The big C. It scares the hell out of me. Its the one disease that if I get it, I would consider suicide. I'm not being dramatic, I've seen what it can do. It robs you of your loved ones and leaves behind a shell. I watched my Aunt Deb, my hero in many ways go from a fun, strong and vibrant woman to someone who didn't even know me. This is the woman who taught me to ride a bike, first took me fishing and even explained the birds and the bees to me. ( My fathers version, God love him was " Its when your privates touch." That was it.) I could go to her with anything, she was one of the few who took notice of me and made me feel special. In many ways Aunt just doesn't cover it, she was like an older sister or second mom to me and my siblings. Near the end of her battle with cancer I went to see her, I went into her room and said  "Hi Aunt Deb". Her response was "Who are you"? I can honestly say that is the first time my heart ever broke. She didn't know me. The woman who epitomized what cool was to me, who showed me what strength truly was had no idea of who I was. I left the room and hid in a bathroom and cried like a baby. Now there's a chance that my mom has stomach cancer. And just to add fuel to the fire my grandmothers dementia is getting pretty bad. She cant remember who we are. Again someone who means a lot to me cant remember me,and it has dredged up feelings that I thought I had dealt with.
      Now for the last year my mom and I have barely spoken to one another. We had a falling out and were only just starting to get close again. And I'm terrified. Im so scared that she is going to be taken away to. Im not ready for this, I'm not strong enough to go through this again. Im scarred shitless that Im not going to be able to finish mending things with her. I already have more than enough emotional baggage like that with my father. But now facing the very real chance that it can happen again, well I just don't know what to do. I tried talking to friends about it but some are just busy, or say I'm over thinking it and am just making myself miserable or they just don't get it. I cant go to family they have enough on their plate as well. So Ive just been holed up the last few days. I get outta work come home and just sit there. Wishing that I had someone to share this burden with. I just sit here on the couch, and in a way I guess am just miserable. I don't know how not to think about it. Even if I did go out I would still be thinking about it. And since most of my friends are all busy, I don't have anyone to go out with. Not that its their job or that I blame them, thats just how it is .
       I have been through a lot in my life. I appreciate what I have now because of all that crap I had to go through. Growing up we were dirt fricken poor, food stamps, welfare the whole nine yards. And we moved around a lot so friends were just a luxury. If you made them you had to say goodbye. I remember when we lived in Newburgh that our apartment was infested with mice and cockroaches. I remember seeing crack viles and dime bags on the side walk on the way to the bus stop for school. We even lived in a homeless shelter that was part of an insane asylum for awhile. ( Thats right I lived in Arkham ) We ate at soup kitchens and were thankful for it. But the one thing we had through all that was each other. And now it just seems that is being taken away. I just don't have it in me to go through this. Its to hard and frankly just not fucking fair. Please understand that I'm not looking for pity I don't need or deserve it. There are people who really need it, not me. So why share all of this. My mom and grandmother tried their hardest to make it so we never felt like we went without or that we were not as good as other people. Dad, Aunt Deb and Aunt B did to. And I'm just sick of seeing the people I care about slip away. Through all I have experienced I have tried to remain hopeful, compassionate and kind. But now I just feel like whats the point of being tested and enduring so much if their is no reward. So here I sit getting ready to fold laundry heat up some left overs and pray to a God that I gave up believing in, that my mother wont get taken away and that I can some how help my Nani. So yeah I guess I am a bit miserable.