Trying really hard not to stress out. I have a huge problem when it comes to stress. I don't deal with it well at all. I internalize it and let it just eat away at me. I just don't know how to let go and relax. I get a bit manic sometimes but can usually keep it in check. Lately it hasn't been so easy. I have been super busy this holiday season and wore myself down. I have had so much stress in my life as of late. I have been going on dates with someone which for me is 1- nerve wracking cause I don't get what they see in me 2-something I just don't normally do. Another stresser is I'm changing up roommates. My old roommate moved out and I'm taking over the apartment. So that means I'm putting everything in my name and being all grown up. Getting furniture and all that. My future landlord cant seem to bother coming over so I can sign the lease, twice now I have been given the brush off. I had a roommate set up and that kinda fell through last minute so I had to scramble and find another. I lucked out and did, but it was still a lot of pressure. Its been making me more that a little manic and I'm afraid I may have gone to far with it and hurt a friendship while in this state. I'm hoping they see this and know that, that wasn't the real me they were dealing with and that I'm sorry. None of these things are huge all of them manageable if I wasn't a crazy person.
Today I got a call that my Mom is in the hospital again for the 3rd time in 2 months. Her heart rate keeps dropping to the mid to low 30s. And is having problems with her kidneys After that I was done. My mom is in the hospital more than some people are in a grocery store. While yes I'm worried I'm not terrified. But it finally got to me today. The stress just exploded in me. Even though friends have warned me about not relaxing and letting stress get to me it did. I was shaking, nauseous a little dizzy and was hyperventilating. I came home from work to grab some stuff and head over the hospital. I was texting my best friend and telling him what was going on with the stress when I actually just passed out. My body kinda turned itself off for about 45 minutes. I'm fucking lucky I was sitting on my bed. I'm not talking about falling asleep I'm talking I blacked out for 45 minutes. This has never happened to me before, so needless to say I'm terrified. I'm afraid of what could happen if I passed out again at the wrong time. No one would have come looking for me if I fell and hit my head or something.
I just want to apologize as well to anyone whom I may have rubbed the wrong way and pissed off. I haven't been myself and I am sorry. I will make it up to you with a beer or dinner on me. I have gotta get a grip on this.If anyone has good methods for dealing with stress please let me know. Right now I'm thinking meditation and working out seem like good things. If I can learn to let things go and also get my mind quite enough to relax then that will be a huge help. I don't want to take any kind of medication as I am a big baby and hate taking them.
